A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

A true story, according to the LA Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"

Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.

Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.

As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."

Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.

We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.

He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.

The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."

Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."

I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.

Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"

The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.

Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.

I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"

Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.

Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.

We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."

That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.

We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II.

The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.

Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."

I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.

I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.

"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."

You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.

We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.

This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.

This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.

The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"

He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.

Submitted by George Snedrow
Reverse Directory

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"