You watch way too much wrestling when;

On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".

You call a beer by your name.

Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws.

You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.

You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".

Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.

You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".

After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.

You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count.

You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.

You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.

Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones.

When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

You are refereeing a sporting event and just as someone is cheating you turn your head.

Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.

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Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

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Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

"Basketball is a game of two halves."

"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."

"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."

"He's like all great players -- not great yet."

"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."

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1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $400 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to jog early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I like long jogs, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. The advantage to jogging every day is that you die healthier.

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. If you are going to take up cross-country running, it helps to start with a small country.

9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.

10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.

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There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

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