A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.

Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?

The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."

Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too."

So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?"

Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."

Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.

Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.

As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."

Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.

We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.

He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.

The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."

Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."

I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.

Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"

The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.

Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.

I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"

Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.

Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.

We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."

That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.

We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II.

The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.

Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."

I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.

I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.

"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."

You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.

We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.

This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.

This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.

The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"

He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.

Submitted by George Snedrow
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It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 1998. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

One night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.

Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland".

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