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2009
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May
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Diagnosis
05/11/09
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of
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Diagnosis
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May
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2008
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July
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Ten Minutes Late
07/17/08
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exac
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Ten Minutes Late
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May
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Aerobics Humor
05/24/08
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
Q. What do aerobics ins -
Twenty Five Cents
05/12/08
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Supri
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Aerobics Humor
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April
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Good Sportsmanship
04/26/08
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
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Broken Leg
04/05/08
A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her p
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Good Sportsmanship
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March
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Hole In One
03/21/08
Three men went out to play a round of golf, Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses tee'd off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.
Jesus tee'd off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit t -
First Jump
03/13/08
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic -
Not Afraid Of Satan
03/06/08
Teams were playing a match in a very competitive volleyball tournament one afternoon. Suddenly, Satan appeared in front of them right at the net. The players and fans started screaming and running for the gym exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
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Pa won't like it
03/03/08
A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.
"Hey Chris," the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles for a bit. I
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Hole In One
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February
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Skiers vs Snowboarders
02/28/08
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged people wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance.
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Tee Shot
02/22/08
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darn ball!"
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Real Fun
02/17/08
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers. S -
Missed
02/14/08
A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'S__t, missed'.
The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tong -
Questions
02/09/08
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his fathe -
Dysfunctional Bears
02/01/08
Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."
Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with M
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Skiers vs Snowboarders
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January
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More Too Much Tennis
01/29/08
You know you watch too much tennis when you think about what every sport would be like with a racquet.
You know you watch too much tennis when you can impersonate every player.
You know you watch too much tennis when you can name top 100 players but can't remember yo -
Too Much Tennis
01/29/08
You know you watch too much tennis when you break up with your girlfriend before every Grand Slam.
You know you watch too much tennis when you walk in late to class, and you ask the teacher to check shot spot to see if your foot was in the classroom when the bell rang.
You know -
How Bad Do You Want To Play
01/27/08
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
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Doctor's Orders
01/18/08
An executive was ordered to take up a sport, by his doctor, so he decided to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine," the executive says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towar -
Sumo wrestler
01/13/08
Three men, an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The American jumped off and shouted ''God save America !''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save The Queen! -
Old Man and The Beaver
01/03/08
A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks
him how he's feeling.
I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks fo
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More Too Much Tennis
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July
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2007
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December
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Basketball One Liners
12/23/07
As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
How do basketball players stay cool during a game? They st -
Alligators
12/18/07
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw,&
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Basketball One Liners
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November
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Mother Nature
11/29/07
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out -
Why the bad plays
11/16/07
A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!" -
Manic Depression
11/04/07
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of
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Mother Nature
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October
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Football One Liners
10/25/07
Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.
Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.
As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day.&q
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Football One Liners
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September
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You Stink
09/09/07
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterba -
You Might Be A Fisherman If
09/02/07
You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because
you think it makes a good air freshener.
Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
Your
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You Stink
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August
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Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
08/23/07
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick. < -
Obituary
08/16/07
Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker repli -
Avid Hunter
08/08/07
A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beau -
Humorous Baseball Anecdotes
08/02/07
1. An interviewer started to ask Yogi Berra about his two hits from the previous night when Berra corrected him and said he had three hits.
The interviewer apologized. "I checked the paper and the boxscore said you had two hits. The third must have been a typographical error."
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Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
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July
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Tennis One Liners
07/26/07
To err is human. To put the blame on someone else is doubles.
Q. What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball? A. See you round
A tennis player went to the doctor because he heard music whenever he played. The physician cured him by removing his head band.
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Bad Day At The Course
07/19/07
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!&qu -
Throw Them At Me.
07/13/07
Bud had a very bad day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single fish. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Wh -
Baseball Quickies.
07/07/07
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."
A couple of Yogi Berra' -
Golf Course Or?
07/02/07
Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
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Tennis One Liners
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June
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Too Much Wrestling
06/27/07
You watch way too much wrestling when;
On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".
You call a beer by your name.
Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws.
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Mike Tyson One Liners.
06/22/07
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc -
Digger Phelps Quotes.
06/15/07
Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom
From the NCAA Tournament:
"Basketball is a game of two halves."
"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."
"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they -
Jogging One Liners.
06/10/07
1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.
2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spe -
Hit Man.
06/04/07
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the ga
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Too Much Wrestling
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May
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Yankees Fan.
05/31/07
A Mets fan, a Braves fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountian. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team.
Upon reaching the top, the Mets fan shouts, "This is for the Mets!!!" and throw -
Three Wishes.
05/29/07
A Woman was warming up for her Gold Medal beach doubles volleyball match one afternoon when her spiked ball rolled into some bushes.
She went into the bushes to look for it and found a frog stuck in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will gr -
Manic Depression.
05/27/07
The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, t -
Team Names.
05/25/07
A man walks into a bar where the patrons are laughing together.
"What's so funny?" he asks.
The bartender answers, "Oh, we're just taking the names of our hometown baseball teams and tweaking them so they come out badly."
"Here&# -
Caddy Responses.
05/22/07
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the -
You Might Be A Redneck If - From Jeff Foxworthy
05/20/07
You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentleman start your engines!"....
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary....
You've ever written Richard Petty's -
Strike Zone.
05/18/07
I'm an umpire. One day a coach was really giving it to me about my strike zone. About the third inning I went into the dugout to get a drink of water. I sat next to the coach as his team warmed up. When the first batter stepped into the box I stayed by his side. When he looked at me and asked i -
Holy Water.
05/16/07
Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water. The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition. Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sp -
Speed.
05/12/07
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and h -
Bad One Line Bowling Jokes.
05/08/07
Bowling is a sport that should be right down your alley.
If you can't hear a pin drop, then something is definitely wrong with your bowling.
Our small town used to have a bowling alley, but somebody stole the pin.
"Something is wrong with my bowling deli -
Catch The Baby.
05/02/07
A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!" -
Baseball and Football from George Carlin
05/01/07
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo
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Yankees Fan.
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April
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Silly One Liners.
04/30/07
Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team -
The Quarterback.
04/28/07
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 1998. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
One night, watching CNN, he saw -
Talking Dog
04/26/07
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can tal -
Painless Birth.
04/25/07
A married couple go to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
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Doctor's Orders
04/24/07
A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball -
Yogi Berra Quotes.
04/23/07
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
&q -
Old Hockey Injury.
04/23/07
Jim came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Ted, noticed and asked Jim what happened. Jim replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Ted said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." -
Soccer Wisdom.
04/21/07
"My parents have been there for me. Ever since I was about seven.' DAVID BECKHAM
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league.' MARK VIDUKA
"We lost because we didn't win." RONALDO
"I've had -
Football Wedding.
04/21/07
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." -
Nothing To Nothing.
04/21/07
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retirin -
You Stink.
04/21/07
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterba -
25 cents.
04/21/07
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, ev -
Who's On First - From Abbot And Costello
04/21/07
LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?
BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculi -
Mental Health.
04/21/07
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of -
Not A white Sox Fan.
04/21/07
Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and ru -
Baseball In Heaven
04/21/07
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when yo -
Peanuts.
04/21/07
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled,
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Silly One Liners.
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December
Sports Jokes Humor And Satire
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